Lost and Found Chapter 3: Struggles with Being Emotional
Hi All,
The third track of my project touches on a very overwhelming subject to actually discuss: being emotional. Frankly, I am writing this post thinking where do I begin? I feel like everyone at one point in time or another has been called emotional or melodramatic. Perhaps not on a regular basis but at least in one instance. Trust me folks; I've been called both countless times.
Honestly, this is embarrassing to write but *sigh* it's true. I've been known to pop off. I get hype. I do not back down. I fight for what I feel is right. On the flip side of this; I am sensitive. I'm moved by things daily. I'm nostalgic. I fall hard. I love deeply. My feelings can and do get hurt.
The contrast of my emotions can be a lot for me to handle. With that being said, I am sure it has been a lot for my romantic partners as well. I can break this down into three factors that I feel are the root of my emotional behavior. A: I'm sensitive. B: I am very black & white in my relationships. C: I have a fragile ego in romantic scenarios. I will further explain.
Example A: I am very sensitive. I cry at movies, touching moments, sweet sentiment, thoughtfulness. I am very understanding and I think it stems from being sensitive to the people and situations around me. I perceive sensitivity as a positive trait, but when I take things to heart when I shouldn't it can quickly become a negative. We live in an age where it seems that showing any type of emotion is deemed as undesirable or weak. Real talk, that is an ego based thought process.
Causes B and C of my emotional struggles are stemmed in ego. Why? Let's get into cause B: being black & white in my relationships. That is totally ego. Ego needs to be control. It cannot go with the flow and objectively look at situations as they naturally evolve. Ego needs things to be all or nothing; no understanding of the need for grey area to strengthen our trust and bonds. Ego wants to avoid any kind of vulnerability or embarrassment.
I've rushed things to one extreme or the other. Either we are all in, super "in love" or all out ie. not speaking. That's when I get called emotional. Those are two very opposite ends of the "emotional" spectrum. But let's be real. That's not true emotion. It's EGO. I guess without realizing it, knowing exactly where I stood in a relationship allowed me to know exactly how to move.
The alternative in my mind was that any uncertainty could potentially hurt my fragile ego and I simply could not relax. To take my ego out of it would mean to be present in each moment, flow through the grey areas and just enjoy the ride.
Thankfully, now I feel that is the best way to move through most things; just going with the flow. When we meet someone new that excites us, we have to understand that we basically have to catch a wave in their lives'. Our lives are a sea of moving parts and experiences, all we can truly do is go with the flow when entering someone else's world and enjoy each moment for as long as that lasts.
Ego wants to avoid perceived hurt at all costs and needs concrete answers for everything. Nobody's life is black and white. We are streams of fluidity in terms of our growth, past experiences and desires. Getting mad because something doesn't go in a crystal clear fashion at all times is unrealistic and that's negatively emotional. No bueno.
Now, cause C. : My fragile ego in relationships. Listen, I can handle opposition in just about every aspect of my life and bounce right back. Lord- but don't let it come from someone I'm falling for. I get mad. I get hurt. I sometimes pop off. I know I am not alone in this behavior. More often than not, our actual feelings are not hurt. It's our egos.
A potential feeling of rejection is something an ego isn’t designed to handle with grace. So we make stupid points about petty matters, we see revenge, we make them jealous, we jump to conclusions rather than asking (asking seems as though you care, ego can't care), etc. the list could go on forever.
It is the epitome of childish. I cannot stress enough that when we act super emotional, nine times out of ten it is all ego. It is based in a fear of being assed out, being rejected, and being vulnerable. What I've learned through countless trial and error: YOU CAN NEVER EXPERIENCE ANY TRULY BEAUTIFUL EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS WHILE HOLDING ONTO EGO. All caps. Dramatic right? Remember I'm emotional.
We all have emotions. It's normal and wonderful. When they rear their head in an ugly way, take a step back and ask yourself: am I actually hurt? If not, it's ego. Let it go. Immerse yourself in the awesomeness of the unknown and all the exciting feelings that come along with the ride. What do people say when you get emotional? RELAX.
Love,
Allison